What does relationship therapy consist of?
The two main, modern approaches to couples therapy are (1) The Gottman Method and (2) Dr. Sue Johnson’s Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT). The Gottman approach is more cerebral and appeals more to those who appreciate mathematical data. EFT appeals, in most cases, to those who are very comfortable with emotions both within themselves and in others.
Because half the world population is more comfortable with thinking than they are with feeling, I usually ask both members of a couple to complete the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) at home before coming for your first appointment. This will tell me about each person’s preference for being extraverted versus introverted, trusting one’s five senses versus trusting gut instincts, making judgments based on thinking versus feeling, and how one makes decisions either by making snap decisions or by sitting back and taking in more information.
The Gottman Institute offers a questionnaire that I ask both members of a couple to take online. The first session will last about an hour and a half. During this time, I ask how the two of you met and what you think some of your trouble spots are. I will ask you to spend ten minutes discussing a hot topic between the two of you. I might ask your permission to video-tape these ten minutes so that I can study your interactions more closely before your second session.
The second session will consist of two 45-minute individual sessions in which I will talk with each of you alone.
Starting with the third session, I will go over your data from the Gottman online questionnaire, coach the two of you in how to stop using any of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling) and what to say to each other in their place. I incorporate many Gottman tools, including the acclaimed “Aftermath of a Fight.” From this point onward, each couple is different, and the average number of sessions varies.
Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT) is based on the concept of “attachment theory,” which is also based on impressive research. It indicates that the attachment that babies and young children develop with their primary caregivers—usually their mothers—continues into and through adulthood. Back in the 1960s, the world believed that people outgrew this need to be coddled, nurtured, loved, and valued for who we are. New research indicates that we never outgrow this need and usually look to our relationship partner to fulfill the needs that our mothers or other primary caregiver did when we were very young. This is important to know in order to mend and grow our adult relationships. We, unconsciously, look to that person we are coupled with to fulfill these needs. This is a crucial realization and one that Drs. John and Julie Gottman commend Dr. Sue Johnson for understanding and promoting as a method to help struggling couples.
The Attachment Theory: How Childhood Affects Life